This was the last Sunday my wife and I were member of the church we belonged to forth past thirty years; a church where our daughters were confirmed and where our oldest daughter was married, a place where I have been an organist and lay worship leader for the past twenty-five years. I'm sure some of my regular readers are thinking, "Well, its about time. You're hardly a Christian." I really can't argue with that assessment.
* * *
I like Jesus. I like what Jesus taught and find his teachings inspiring, but I no longer put him on the divine pedestal that Christianity has placed him on. As many of my posts have pointed out, I find Jesus more interesting as a human like you and me than his being a god or demigod who is nothing like you or me. For some time now, I have struggled with the thought of leaving the Church as a God-believer (of sorts) who doesn't believe God is a good term to describe what I mean when I use the term God. I can do without the biblical or to be more specific, the apostolic teachings about Jesus, that are the backbone of Christianity today.
Of course leaving a church is usually prompted by some form of dramatic event; a conflict or falling out with someone (usually a priest or pastor) or something like a change in the church's program or vision. There is that, at some level, in my case which has provided an opportunity to step away, but such prompts are largely irrelevant when it comes to making a decision to leave organized religion which in essence is what I am doing. My decision is fundamentally based on changes in my personal beliefs which were best left fully unsaid in the church I belonged to. Having served as a lay preacher for many years, I have been finding it increasingly difficult to hold the party line, so to speak, when preparing a homily.
* * *
Like Jesus, I am not trying to nor do I want to start a new religion. What I truly want and, more importantly, what I need is to make peace with who I am and what I have come to believe about life and my place in an immense and unfathomable universe that has resulted in my being. There is a great depth of spirituality present in all the life forms that are all around us. I can no longer commit to being religious in the affiliated sense of that word.
To forgive the abuse and the pettiness that religions frequently engage in requires me to let go and step away from such a toxic environments. Clinging to a belief system and a religion on the premise that my eternal wellbeing is dependent on doing so is self destructive.
* * *
At a time in one's life when religion is usually deemed important, I am finding it toxic to my very soul and the wellbeing of my family. What I will miss most about leaving our former church is being its organist and having access to a pipe organ that I greatly enjoyed playing. I can honestly say that I am virtually addicted to playing a pipe organ. It had become a creative outlet for most of my life, but as the saying goes, "All good things must comes to an end." I will survive its loss, knowing that in moving on I will feel and be more honest about myself and where I am going in life's journey.
Speaking of moving on, this blog will likely change the topic matter as I will probably lean into my being an agnostic as opposed to trying to save Christianity from itself, which is, at best, a Sisyphean task. So stay tuned as I ponder the journey I have embarked on today.
Norm
