I am nearing four months since leaving church. I would be less than honest in saying that I don't miss it at times. What I miss most is the people in the congregation and, of course, playing the organ. Some in the congregation know why my wife and I left but others do not or have not heard the full reason for leaving from me. Few have directly asked for a reason which leads me to believe they have come to their own conclusions.
My intent on not giving reasons was twofold. The first was to avoid getting into a battle about or with the priest which would do a fragile congregation little good. The second reason is related to the first reason, I no longer felt I could honestly worship in the prescribed manner of its liturgy, which I feel portrays Jesus wrongly and tries to define the indefinable creative force referred to as God in outdated language as many mainline denominations do.
As some of you may have noticed, I have taken a break from posting. I tried several times, but I found myself deleting what I wrote. It didn't feel right, because I wasn't feeling right. I admit that I struggle with having left a church I served as a lay preacher, worship leader, and organist for almost 30 years and no longer being a part of a congregation of peculiar people to which most Episcopal churches lay claim. I liked its peculiarity because I felt at home with peculiarity but there was a part of me that urged me to let go and take time to reflect on my life and life in general.
My wife and I still consider ourselves Episcopalian and we continue to attend services at home by watching the services at Washington National Cathedral on YouTube and occasionally I watch services at Trinity Wall Street in NYC. I feel more at home within those contexts than I do in the local Episcopal church. In those larger churches there is sense of open-mindedness with regard to scriptural interpretation, the use of liturgy, and I feel they both exhibit a truer commitment to the teachings of Jesus than to a strict adherence to the apostolic teachings about Jesus that evolved after Christianity became the official religion of the Roman Empire.
The local priest in my parish and the bishop of the diocese are both concerned about keeping strict adherence to the liturgical forms in the Prayer Book, the church's canons, and its doctrines than emphasizing the teachings of Jesus and their relevance in today's chaotic world I see such a stringent approach to doctrine as Christianity's Achille's Heel as they are more about control through indoctrination than taking an opportunity to explore a broader understanding of who we are, not only in the light of ancient scriptures, but more importantly in the light of our increasing knowledge of the universe and the role we humans play in creating the chaos that has the potential to destroy ourselves and the world we live in.
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I am sure that many of you have heard about or have listened to Bishop Mariann Budde's sermon at the National Cathedral during its National Prayer Service after President Trump's inauguration in which she directly addressed President Trump regarding the fears brought about by his administration's agenda regarding immigrants, LGBTQI individuals and asking that he show mercy on them and on all people feeling disenfranchised and fearful. I was not surprised by her doing so and it gladdened my heart that she did. The National Prayer service included clergy from Native American, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Sikh, African Methodist Episcopal, Baptist, Lutheran, Mennonite, Methodist, Mormon, and Presbyterian religions and denominations.
Bishop Budde was very pastoral in carrying out her prophetic duty in reminding the President of God's Executive Orders as in Rev. (Sen.) Rapheal Warnock put it in his sermon at the cathedral this past Sunday. The National Prayer Service also served as a reminder of what this nation has long honored by placing this diverse group of religious leaders on equal footing in an inclusive (DEI) setting which as Rev. Warnock also pointed out that Dei is Latin for God.
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I try not to watch too much TV. The national news is depressing. I do not understand what has happened to the citizens of this nation that has made them so cynical about our nation and the world as to entertain the thought of electing those who have dictatorial aspirations. There are always things that need adjustment, but adjustments or realignments in a constitutional republic such as ours requires much thought and careful management. Above all, the apparent reckless disregard for people's lives by the current administration seems to be a recipe for moral decay and disaster on a national and worldwide level.
Now that I'm in my seventies, it seems odd that I should leave things that have been part of my life for most of my life. I have to confess I don't have a clue as to where this leaving is leading me, if anywhere. Even my digital piano which I loved playing is not functioning well largely because I probably played it out. Thus, I don't have that relief from the loss of playing a pipe organ. It would appear that I need to let that go also.
What I enjoy is reading and that is what I mostly do. I am trying to get back into painting, but that is proving to be a slow process as my hands are not as steady as they used to be nor my eyesight as good as it was in my twenties. When the weather permits, I go for walks to get fresh air and take in the world around me.
In past posts I have talked about the "pauses" in one's life. I believe this is such a moment for me. My past experiences with such pauses has taught me that a willingness to let go might result in finding a deeper meaning to life or even a new or a renewed sense of purpose to my life.
Norm
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