This is more of a personal post; an update, if you will, on what has occurred since I left church life. Much has changed for myself and my family. In retrospect most of what has happened is positive. I'm speaking of the birth of two granddaughters who I nickname Sweet-E and Sweet-P after the initials of their first names. Of course, they are both adorable. They are our first grandchildren. They are such a joyous intrusion in what started out as depressing time in my life, as the last Sunday in October marked the first anniversary of my wife and I quitting the church we belonged to.
Quitting the church mean giving up something I truly love doing, playing the pipe organ. Talk about withdrawal symptoms!
Not having a pipe organ to play everyday gave me pause and underscored the need to reevaluate my life, my beliefs, and my sense of purpose. Grandchildren certainly help with this ongoing process. They underscore a reality that those of us of a certain age can be reluctant to face honestly; life goes on and our role at this stage of life is to help make the lives of our children, grandchildren and all children as healthy and as meaningful as we can. So there is a greater sense of purpose in writing this blog; to take what I have learned in life and share it in meaningful ways for those who stumble upon it.
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For most of my early life my dream was to become an ordained Lutheran minister and then, in my middle adult years, an ordained Episcopal priest. Speaking of my dreams there was, in fact, an actual dream that haunted me for most of my life that occurred a few weeks before I was scheduled to begin my journey towards and ordained ministry at a Lutheran college. I never told anyone about this dream and here I am telling the whole universe about it. Without getting too weird about dreams being prophetic, I believe dreams can subliminally point out the obvious to the waking mind that refuses to let go of an idea; somewhat akin to the ignored obvious that prophets of old were despised for pointing out.
The dream that haunted me utilized my obsession of building churches out of toy wood blocks when I was a child. In this dream I was building such a toy church when suddenly it was mysteriously knocked over, after which a sinister voice said, "Three times I will destroy your church." I woke up feeling terrified. I could not help feeling that the devil or dark force was not going to allow me to be ordained. To write about this sounds ridiculous today, but it was all too real at the time and it haunted my thoughts for much of my life and it played out in my life as predicted.
Whether the dream presaged a self-fulfilling prophecy that eventually led me to leave the church I sought to serve, quitting the church this past year has awakened in me the meaning of this dream. My obsession with building the church would lead down another path involving the Church as a whole that would lay waste to my indoctrinated beliefs that I felt obliged to hold fast - something my grandmother had drilled into me, "Hold fast to what you have been taught."
Prophetic dream? Perhaps, but I am inclined to think my subconscious was telling me something I didn't want to face because I was stubbornly holding on to entrenched beliefs about the Church, Christianity, and what I perceived as my calling. Today, I find myself at peace with leaving the church and letting go of beliefs I can no longer hold on to and perhaps never really felt an attachment to. Ironically, letting go of my indoctrinated beliefs has given me a deeper appreciation for the humanity of Jesus and his teachings. I am freed me from feeling I have to believe in the unbelievable.
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My life long study of church history, theology, world history, philosophy, and science has permitted me to realize that it was an act of futility to think that I could change an orthodox system entrenched in dogmas almost two millennia old. I have learned much from my studies for which I am grateful. They have allowed me to reflect on religion and life in a way that ordination would never have permitted me to do. I do not seek to change the Church or Christianity. I believe attempting to change and entrenched ideological system like Christianity is impossible to do so from within. Consider the Protestant Reformation. What really changed theologically from that experience?
On the other hand, I find inspiration in Jesus of Nazareth's ability to step outside the proverbial box to help others take a look at the box they found themselves in; the box that their forebears had created and that tradition burdened them to maintain. In his own way, Jesus exposed the boxes we create for ourselves.
I feel myself in a place to freely speak for myself without the worry of what others in a pew may think. If there is value in what I say, I am glad to have provided it. My hope is that it will provide meaning for those who do.
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With all of that being said, I return to thoughts and reflections on my two adorable granddaughters, Sweet-E and Sweet-P. They are not a year old yet, and I see them soaking up the world around them as only an infant can do. Everything is new to them and is there for their exploration and experience. My heart abounds in the joy they exude. Having children and grandchildren reminds me why Jesus pointed to small children as the example we adult should emulate, the timelessness that free children of worrying about tomorrow because there is so much to take in today.
I welcome a second childhood with all my aging heart. I realize my time is short, so what? The freedom I am feeling seems new to me. At year ago I wasn't feeling joy. I was feeling depressed and at a loss because I left a familiar turf that had become a wasteland to me.
The world is topsy-turvy right now, It was in Jesus day and in such topsy-turvy times I feel called to enjoy blessings of new life rather than curse the boxes we have created for ourselves. I continue to find joy in the music I love and the art that abounds in nature and through human creativity. I doubt that whatever I say will fix anything, but if don't say what I sincerely feel I will end up feeling negligent to the future that resides in my children, grandchildren, and all the children in this boxy world of ours.
Norm
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